My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
