see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
