Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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