he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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