JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Randomize
