I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
