I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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