this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
the raccoons are back...
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