I molested 6 butterflies tonight
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
