it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Naked Twister starts at high noon
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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