I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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