he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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