Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
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She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
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He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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