saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
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