I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
my phone needs a breathalizer
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
