she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Randomize
