GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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