Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Randomize
