He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
