I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
