Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I wish I could punch you in the face.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
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