You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
