Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
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