Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Randomize
