I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
