If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
