Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
