im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
