i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
