on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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