Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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