so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
