I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
