I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Randomize
