dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
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