I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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