This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
