i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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