Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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