Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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