he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
