he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
