He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
