How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
