She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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