I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
