i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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