You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
