does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
