Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
