I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
