I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
