Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
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I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
The air was thick with penises
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
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Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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